Yo guys (and by guys I mean 3 people who still care about this account-). I realize that I've been dead for a really long time, and my past journal explained NOTHING, so I'm gonna take some time now and tell you guys what's been going on all year and what will be going on.
I think the time this account went on Hiatus is when I moved last year... Ever since then, about a year from today, things have been absolute shit in my life. Nothing has been going right all year.
I've had very bad depression and anxiety all year this year, which may explain my behavior in some cases. I've attempted suicide four times now (most recent being last Wed.), and have gotten no help until a month ago (I've started going to therapy which so far I feel isn't helping at all...).
Yeah. Things have been that bad, academically, emotionally, socially and between family mostly. My entire life has fallen apart since last year, and while being in these shit emotions, they make me look down on everything, my art being one of the biggest things. I have been drawing, a lot actually, I just can't post anything since my scanner is absolutely the biggest piece of shit ever and I'm saving up and trying to find a good personal small scanner that I can use for pictures and get this account up and running again since I want to take commissions this year and I can't do that if you guys can't see what I can draw and I can't post anything...
So I may wipe my gallery clean or just delete most of it and start all over with posting things. I want to get character references done and stuff so you guys can know who is who and I can actually have a functioning page...
Anyway, back to some of the before stuff and what's been really going on...
I've completely failed my classes this year. Due to my mental illness that I've been constantly trying to find help for but have been getting shot down by everyone, I was not able to focus in any of my classes. I would cry in almost all of them and get home and procrastinate or just not do anything. And that really hurts seeing as though last year I was in the top 15 of my grade. Now I'm in the bottom 15, and everyone in this new school thinks I'm a stupid bitch. I've dyed my hair since last year, I guess subconsciously wanting to change myself as a person and getting a new look was supposed to help.
It didn't. It just made me more anxious in a way with how I have to care for it now...
This school is MUCH bigger than my old one, which makes me SUPER uncomfortable. At my old school, my teachers new my name. Here? Teachers don't give a shit. They have so many students to grade papers for and shit that they don't care if you're failing and need help. "go get tutoring." they tell me, without understanding I have anxiety and that was just something I could NOT do. EVERYONE knew EVERYONE at my old school. I mean, I didn't since being social was not my thing, but still... Even my sister's teachers knew me. I was just starting to make friends last year, since all my life friends have been hard to make for me, I was starting to get a group together. And then nope, we just had to move. My parents split because my father is a huge fucking asshole who has been abusing me my entire life and I've only realized this last year since it was an abusive relationship and I didn't know. He took everything from us. And I have to be nice to him today because if I'm not he'll give away all the money he stole from us, from ME and MY SISTER, to his shit family. My sister for some odd reason also forced us to move so early. My mother wanted to wait until she graduated to move, but she refused and made us move, and then complained how she was spending her last year with strangers. Meanwhile, I'm fucking struggling and drowning in blood and wanting to kill myself and freaking out because I just honestly cannot function one bit, and everyone is saying "I don't have it that bad.". Even today, I can't fucking function. I'm all alone. I spend all day in my room and not leaving because there's no one for me to hang out with nor is there anything for me to do. I'm the "problem child who can't do anything right". I've honestly lost all control so many times this year, when I look back on the months I see huge blanks in my mind of where I honestly did nothing but cry my heart out because I can't function properly. My mother all year has also been zero help and is what triggers my attacks most of the time, so three cheers to her for absolutely nothing.
There's so much more I want to say about things, like how the teachers in my hardest subjects honestly were complete shit and were honestly bad teachers, (I'm not just saying this as a student who wasn't doing well. I've asked many other kids and they too have admitted that the teachers I got were absolutely terrible. Another parent has even admitted to hating the teachers), how my family situation is most of the reason I'm not alright one bit, how my sister is leaving this Summer for college and how I feel about all these changes happening so quickly that I honestly cannot keep up and am just not alright, but I'm not going to bore you all with that emotional bullshit.
In the end I guess what I'm saying is I'll try my best to come back if anyone cares enough to try and say hello... I can't post anything until I get my new scanner which will take a while until I can find a good one and save up for it.
Also, next week I'm going into a month-long Summer art program at a local college where I'll be living for, you guess it, a month while I take an art course. I did NOT want to sign up for this, my mother FORCED me to, (Ah yes, my dear, sweet, loving mother *VOMITS SARCASM*) so my anxiety is through the roof right now and I'm in tears thinking about it. I mean, it's apparently super special since only like, a hundred kids get chosen for it nation-wide? And I have NO IDEA HOW I got chosen, and with a scholarship no less. But I just don't want to go with a burning passion. I'm going to breakdown the second I get there, I'm not emotionally prepared for this.
I want to go though for the class and get better at art. I still want to go into animation, and get a possible job in that, but I'm even also debating going into Law. (No, Ace Attorney did not make me want to do this I promise I,D)
Can you guys see the ADHD in this post with how I'm jumping around topics so much and nothing makes sense-
Yeah me too. But It's been so long since I've typed a journal like this?? And the last time I've really been passionate about this website, was when I was a different person and everything was easier.
I really hope things have been well for you guys. I'm always on Tumblr, @apocalyptic-assassin.tumblr.com, so if you have an account follow me and we can talk more ^^
Sorry if I don't comment on a bunch of pics you've posted, I gotta get back into using this website-... (I was even debating just posting all my art to my Tumblr, since I post some doodles sometimes... But, like I said, that's still being debated.)
Talk to you guys later.